How to Choose a Divorce Lawyer

July 3, 2019

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April 19, 2020

In another era, perhaps, the person who earned the money wielded authority at home. In today's intimate relationships (where the emphasis is on partnership), more money does not buy more votes in relationship decisions.

Each person in a relationship makes contributions with different qualities, and will make different contributions at different times. One person may indeed contribute more money to their relationship, at least for a time, and that contribution has important qualities of support and safety.

Other people will contribute more fun and play to the relationship. Or more organization. Or more patience. And what about:... romance... creativity... leadership...  spontaneity… caregiving... sexi...

October 30, 2019

Because I am both a couples mediator and divorce mediator, I am frequently asked about my most important advice for committed couples. My answer is simply to decrease the negative quality of a couple's interactions, below an important threshold.  

In this article I’m going to make the case for an offshoot of the 80/20 Pareto Principle (i.e., 80% of effects come from 20% of causes). My version of this famous principle can serve as a test for whether you should commit to your love relationship, and it also works to help you sustain that relationship.

If you are in an intimate relationship, hopefully it feels easy much of the time, but I’m going to assume it seems challenging some of the time....

October 15, 2018

Just as many people take for granted that their marriage will stay strong regardless of how much attention they pay to their love bond, they tend to approach divorce without any thought of how they should go about it, or how that matters.

It does matter.

Because while you may be ending a physical relationship, the emotional relationship will continue to exist in your mental life. And if you have children, you are not really ending a relationship anyway, but simply transitioning into a relationship as “co-parents.”

No matter what kind of relationship you have, the best way to transition out of it is to do it cleanly. 

"Keeping it clean" has two aspects:

Don’t Hide Things

The first part of keeping it clean...

September 21, 2018

Consider this: if you pursue your divorce with any vengeance or spite, you are harming primarily yourself. You are doing almost certain wounding to your heart and psyche, and the wounding will stay especially fresh (or worsen unimaginably) if you have kids.

It’s like tearing or cutting your hair out violently because it’s tangled in the comb, instead of calmly disentangling it.

Disentangling lives is not so unlike disentangling hair.

But is it possible to stay calm in divorce? Often people don’t get the help they need to stay calm and to feel safe through a divorce process.

They certainly don’t feel calm and safe working through court forms at the kitchen table with the other half of their collapsing p...

June 29, 2018

Most people don’t know much about alimony – a mechanism whereby a higher earning ex-spouse takes care of a lower earning ex-spouse for a period of time, variously referred to as “maintenance” or “spousal support” – until faced with divorce. Even for lawyers and judges, finding a consistent pattern to how alimony is applied in divorce is a challenge.

On top of the already complicated structure of alimony, couples contemplating divorce this summer have an additional issue to face. The federal tax law is changing for divorces, effective in 2019. At that time, alimony will no longer be a tax deduction to the payer, nor taxable as income to the recipient. However, for those divorced before the end of 201...

May 18, 2018

Staying "un-divorced" is about shining the light of consciousness on just the right areas.

Many couples come to us in crisis, and learn that Couples Mediation can be a supportive process to help them get clear on their joint vision and conscious commitments. The resulting "relationship contract" often includes provisions for how partners talk to each other, how they make decisions, how they spend money, when and how they spend time together, and the like. If I'm doing my job right as couples mediator, the simple agreements I help people reach are like acupuncture needles, helping unblock the energy channels and allowing affinity and love to flourish. (Instead of the poison that typically courses thr...

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