RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

We ask people who work with us to review and attempt to abide by our "Rules of Engagement" in any mediation or negotiation setting.

Doing so can help you achieve more efficient results, reduce the length of time required, and transition more gracefully through whatever process is occurring.​

Required

Respect

Respect and be patient with each other (and your mediator or attorney). Each person needs to have the opportunity to voice their truth so that the process can move forward. Also realize that everyone does not move at the same pace. Don't interrupt. When in the same room, no eye rolling, pen tapping, other energetic interruptions. At least be civil. Listen with true curiosity if you can.​​

Respect yourself. Listen to your instincts. Speak up. What is most important to you? Leaving things unexpressed often leads to misunderstandings and prevents you from getting what you want.

Special Note for Online Mediation: We expect all parties to commit to joining online mediation sessions from a confidential space whereby third parties cannot overhear or disrupt. Headphones are helpful to minimize inadvertent disclosure to third parties. Parties should immediately identify any disruption, and pause the mediation if appropriate.  Parties should plan to remain focused on the session during mediation and avoid distractions from other devices or computer applications.

Integrity

Be Honest. Don’t hide anything. When the truth is spoken, it engenders trust and actually helps you get what you want. And it’s important to keep in mind that if you misrepresent the reality of your assets, the whole case can be re-opened later.

Extremely Helpful

Communicate Cleanly

Speak only for yourself. Use “I” instead of “You” sentences. Only your personal experience is inarguable.

“I got upset when you said that.” Rather than: “What you said was wrong and hurtful” or “You’re being a jerk.” No one can argue that you got upset after you heard what the other said.

Don’t make assumptions. Instead, check out your interpretations. 

Limit Blaming and Shaming

Although you may have strong ideas and feelings about what happened and who is at fault, there are always multiple perspectives. Excessive blaming and shaming tends to bog down the discussion and cut off collaboration. Stay focused on the future.

Gold Star

State When You Are Triggered

When you’re emotionally triggered, your ability to be objective goes off-line. Notice how you’re feeling, then name it or request time to calm down and get grounded so that you don’t say or do something to impede progress. That may mean a short break or coming back another day.

Be Accountable For You

Although your feelings are absolutely valid, consider that every time you shift accountability to someone else for your feelings or your life circumstances, you disempower yourself. Ultimately, doing so puts you in the roll of victim and stands in the way of your own progress. And while you don’t want slip into the role of victim, be certain you don’t expect your spouse to take care of you through this process, either.

Acknowledge that you and your spouse both were directly involved in getting to where you are now. While it may be that one spouse bears more responsibility than the other for precipitating a divorce, there is always some shared responsibility. If nothing else, you can acknowledge that you chose the partner you are divorcing--something in you drew you to this person. There is always some way you can acknowledge how you participated.

Owning where you could have done things differently is not something you do primarily for your spouse, but for yourself. Because, as just mentioned, being in the place where you are simply a victim of another is a painful and powerless place to be. 

Someday, you will probably want to be in a new and hopefully healthier relationship. The only power you have to achieve this, is through working with yourself.