The Power of Being ALL IN
Many people ask me: Why get married? In addition to the fact that empirical data consistently demonstrates that marriage is associated with a range of positive outcomes for both men and women—including improved physical and mental health, increased financial well-being, and greater overall happiness—perhaps the most powerful reason to get married is to support the underlying context of being "ALL IN."
What I mean by ALL IN is that every relevant action or decision by one or both (or all*) of the individuals in a committed relationship is made or carried out with the assumption that the relationship will persist. In the face of any action or decision, there is no questioning the relationship itself.
The power of this context of ALL IN is simple: there is no wasted energy from implicitly questioning the relationship at every turn. And even more importantly, such implicit questioning doesn't serve to degrade the strength of the relationship.
If you are ALL IN, then stand in that place, and feel how potent it is.
Contrast how differently it feels to stand in NOT ALL IN. One foot is in, but maybe one foot is always out, or perhaps ready to step out. From this place, each action or decision will include, even subtly, the holding of additional possibilities: "Will the future include the relationship or not?" Even if no one speaks to holding these possibilities, if one foot is out the door, it can be felt.
A relationship, and the individuals in it, cannot create maximum beauty in the world if energy is leaking out because one or more people are acting from the context of NOT ALL IN.
While marriage isn't necessary to create the context of ALL IN, the formal legal structure and ceremonial commitment made to the wider community serves as a strong foundation for this context, because it is logistically hard to renegotiate the existence of the relationship. Changing the context from ALL IN, to NOT ALL IN, is harder for a married couple than for an unmarried couple, even if the unmarried couple is cohabitating and has children.
Of course, there sometimes comes a point when the relationship itself comes under question. Sometimes, at such a juncture, the relationship itself gets renegotiated, perhaps resulting in separation or divorce. But until you are considering such a major renegotiation, it's damaging and draining to be inwardly questioning your relationship as you contemplate every decision and action.
If you are in a relationship, is there something stopping you from acting from the context of ALL IN? If so, perhaps take a good look at why.
*At the current time, in this country, legal marriage is not available to a committed group of more than two people. But the context of ALL IN can certainly apply to non-traditional committed partnerships of more than two people.
John Hoelle is a Co-Founder of Conscious Family™ Law & Mediation
