How we ask you to show up at the table.
We ask everyone who works with us to try to abide by these "Rules of Engagement" in any mediation or negotiation. It makes the process shorter and more efficient, and your transition more graceful.
Watch: the Rules of Engagement
Required
Respect each other
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Respect each other
Be patient with each other (and your mediator). Everyone needs a chance to voice their truth, and not everyone moves at the same pace. Don't interrupt — no eye rolling or pen tapping. At least be civil; listen with true curiosity if you can.
Respect yourself
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Respect yourself
Listen to your instincts. Speak up. What matters most to you? Leaving things unexpressed leads to misunderstandings and keeps you from getting what you want.
Integrity
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Integrity
Be honest. Don't hide anything. The truth builds trust and actually helps you get what you want. And if you misrepresent your assets, the whole case can be re-opened later.
Online mediation: join from a confidential space where third parties cannot overhear or disrupt. Headphones help minimize inadvertent disclosure. Name any disruption immediately and pause the session if needed — and stay focused, without distractions from other devices or apps.
Extremely helpful
Communicate cleanly
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Communicate cleanly
Speak only for yourself: "I got upset when you said that," not "You're being a jerk." Your own experience is inarguable. And don't assume — check your interpretations instead.
Limit blaming and shaming
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Limit blaming and shaming
However strongly you feel about what happened and who is at fault, there are always other perspectives. Excessive blaming and shaming bogs down the discussion and cuts off collaboration — stay focused on the future.
Gold star
State when you are triggered
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State when you are triggered
When you're emotionally triggered, your ability to be objective goes off-line. Notice how you're feeling, then name it — or ask for time to calm down and get grounded, so you don't derail things. That may mean a short break, or coming back another day.
Be accountable for you
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Be accountable for you
Shifting accountability for your feelings disempowers you. There's always shared responsibility for where you are now — and owning your part is for you, not your spouse. It's also the only path to a healthier next chapter.
Ready to do this differently?
