Holidays after Separation
The holiday season often brings a unique kind of stress that many of us recognize—the pressure of gift-buying, meal planning, and family gatherings. But for newly separated families, this stress takes on an entirely different dimension.
When Traditional Joy Meets New Reality
The holidays are traditionally a time when families come together, creating memories and honoring cherished traditions. But when separation has recently occurred, these same traditions can become painful reminders of what has changed. Parents find themselves navigating unfamiliar territory—splitting holiday time with children, coordinating schedules, and perhaps experiencing their first holiday season alone.
The Emotional Landscape
For newly separated parents, it's beneficial to simply be aware that the holidays can trigger a complex mix of emotions:
Grief over the loss of family traditions
Anxiety about creating new experiences for children
Guilt about not providing the "perfect" holiday
Loneliness during times when children are with the other parent
Financial stress as household resources are stretched across two homes
Accepting and being present to these felings, when they come, helps avoid the special brand of suffering that comes with trying to resist negative feelings.
Children, too, experience their own emotional journey—missing the familiar pattern of holidays past while trying to adapt to new arrangements.
Finding Peace Amid Transition
Try to keep centered around what truly matters. While separation brings undeniable challenges, it also offers an opportunity to focus on what makes holidays meaningful—connection, presence, and love. Respected money coach Mikelann Valterra writes:
For all us single parents—don't get caught up in one-upmanship with your ex-spouse over gifts. It is your relationship with your kids that matters. They want time with us. (And they want to help us make chocolate walnut bourbon balls.) I have been a money coach for 29 years. No one has ever told me they enjoyed the holidays more with one parent because they got more gifts from them. Ever.
The Importance of Compassionate Inquiry
David Lieberman, LMFT, has the following recommendation for navigating holiday gatherings with compassion:
Consider asking each other "how are you?" rather than, "are you ok?" — the former question invites a full range of responses and hopefully sets the foundation for a loving community with space for sadness, grief, confusion, nostalgia, frustration, etc. — whereas, when we're asked, "are you ok?" we often interpret that as the listener to mean, 'please tell me you're ok so I don't have to take on any emotional labor and I can not worry about you.'
(David offers relationship or family intensives and has a few openings over the holidays, and is also trained in the CAMS therapeutic support structure with a proven track record in reducing risk of suicide in people experiencing ideation over the holidays.)
Creating New Traditions
Rather than attempting to recreate past holidays exactly, newly separated families can benefit from thoughtfully creating new traditions that honor both the past and present. This might mean:
Establishing special rituals for the days you have with your children
Finding ways to acknowledge both households in holiday celebrations
Focusing on experiences rather than material gifts
Practicing self-care during times when children are with the other parent
Remember that children are remarkably resilient when they feel loved and secure. What they need most isn't perfect holiday execution but rather parents who are emotionally present and reassuring during this transition.
The path through holiday stress after separation isn't easy, but with patience, communication, and a focus on what truly matters, families can discover new ways to experience joy and connection during this special time of year.
We wish you a peaceful holiday season, no matter where you are in your life's journey this year.
-The Conscious Family team